Jacob and Fanny - Miss You [Official Video]

I'm proud of my son and my daughter-in-law.

' Miss You'  expresses the inner struggle of missing someone.

Embracing Empathy

When my kids were young I just wanted them to be happy. When they were crying, agitated or sad, I immediately attempted to fix whatever was troubling them. I scrambled to change their focus and turn their attention to something positive. I would reassure them that everything will be better soon and it will all turn out okay. In fact even now as a parent of adult children, I still struggle with wanting to fix their problem.  There is nothing wrong with the desire to bring relief to someone who is suffering. It's a natural response. However, insisting that a person come out of their immediate experience and into the one you believe they 'should' be having can be more damaging than helpful. Remember, "fixing" has a lot to do with what remains uncomfortable within YOU. You can't keep your child or anyone else from being upset. 

While I strongly believe in positive thinking, this doesn't express empathy. When we only focus on the positive, rather than acknowledge a person's feelings, we are actually invalidating them. Put yourself in their shoes first and once they feel fully heard and supported in their emotion, it may then be appropriate and encouraging to help them see the bright side. 

The kindest and most caring thing we can offer our suffering child, friend or partner is to simply sit in validation of their discomfort - holding their hand and staying close.

In an atmosphere of empathy, we all begin to learn that while certain emotions may not feel good, they are not dangerous. We can accept and process our feelings as they come up instead of stuffing them. The feeling that we are understood creates trust in the wisdom of our present experience and helps develop resilience. Compassion, gentleness and understanding shine the jewels of inner strength and wholeness hidden in the dark.

Welcoming Our Struggles

Life is filled with countless emotions and experiences. When things are going well, we tend to glide easily through life. However, when suffering arrives, we struggle with it. Our difficulties usually bring us to a redefining moment. They challenge the way we look at ourself and our life.  Our unfulfilled plans, mistakes, doubts and disappointments are all part of sorting through our life.  All our experiences are valuable in some way.      Each day, we have the opportunity to welcome whatever emerges. Life is a full range of emotion.  They arise when we arrive at a place in our life that fills us with joy, happiness or laughter. Or, we could reach a crossroad in our life that is filled with sadness, tears, and discontent.  Sometimes, our pain gives us reason to wonder whether we will ever be OK again.         A wounded heart can be just as alarming and unwelcome as a broken arm or an illness. However,  just like physical pain is a call to action, our emotional pain needs to be welcomed and given attention. Give your hurt feelings, your physical healing and your unmet needs the kind of support that allows you to more easily shift your approach in how you look at your circumstance.      In the poem, The Guest House, written by the 13th century Sufi mystic, Rumi uses the metaphor of a house guest to create an image; that each day we have the opportunity to welcome something new in our lives, even if it is unexpected.  Oftentimes,  just as house guests can cause us to feel uncomfortable with their visit, unwelcome feelings that stop by our life, can be just as frustrating. Throughout your life, you greet a range of emotional visitors, some just stopping by to say 'hello" and others coming through to cause havoc.  Rumi's poem is a worthy reminder to embrace change, face our fears and it encourages us to "treat each guest honorably" and to "welcome and entertain them all!"      His poem is most simply about the importance of acceptance. Rather than judging or picking and choosing as a way to turn away from negative experiences,  Rumi considers all aspects of our life are critical to one's overall experience, and therefore,  good and bad alike must be accepted.      Acceptance for life as it is turns into resilience.  And resilience is a tapestry woven with many threads; creativity, optimism, learning from mistakes, and finding meaning. Underneath the irritations of life can come incredible value. Sometimes, the unexpected comes bearing gifts of new insights, patience, and appreciation for who you truly are.

The Guest House by Rumi A teaching story translated by Coleman Barks   This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival.  A joy, a depression, a meanness,some momentary awareness comesas an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,who violently sweep your houseempty of its furniture,still, treat each guest honorably.He may be clearing you outfor some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice,meet them at the door laughing,and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes,because each has been sentas a guide from beyond.

Gathering Ourself

"All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up: that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you."  ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

      I enjoy days when my thinking is clear. I feel inspired, energized and my words just seem to flow naturally. This is my "in the zone" time. But then there are the low-energy days when I am slow moving and my mind is cloudy. On those low-energy days I feel unfocused and it's a challenge to get things accomplished.

       It is natural for life to ebb and flow. There are the peaks and valleys. There are gray days and sunny days, and it is all part of life. The bottom line is in order to create a shift in our sulkiness, we need to honor our low-energy moods and accept them as part of the nature of who we are -- then we are better able to manage them. If we adjust our definition of what "normal" is, and practice accepting the highs, the lows and everything in between as "normal", we can feel empowered regardless of what the day brings or what our mood is.

        As Claude Monet, the French impressionist painter said, "It's on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way." It is difficult to be unaffected by low feelings, such as loneliness, fear, self-doubt or even laziness. When faced with these feelings or when you feel depleted, begin to seize the moment to show yourself some attention and spend time exploring and rediscovering who you are and what you want. Reflect on how kind, loving and caring you are to yourself. Observe your tendency to accept, ignore or reject any of your unique qualities; your strengths or weaknesses. Notice when you get caught-up judging and resenting yourself for feeling depleted. Your self-criticism discourages you even more, and further, observe when you over-use your energy being stuck in useless thoughts.

 

        The poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, beautifully expresses how we can get caught up in our destructive thinking. "All emotions are pure which gather you and lift you up: that emotion is impure which seizes only one side of your being and so distorts you."

       As Albert Einstein said,"Life is all about choices. How many people are trapped in their everyday habits: part numb, part frightened, part indifferent? To have a better life we must keep choosing how we're living." To make choices that feel right, it takes a willingness to unconditionally accept whatever life is at that moment, and then personally be responsible to gather yourself when you feel unfulfilled. Sometimes our mind complicates things, so choose your thoughts and words wisely and then act accordingly. The ability to know and understand ourselves, enables us to fully choose how we want to express who we are and how we live each day. Seize your moments. Encourage yourself to create a life that feels good.

THAT BIRD’S GOT MY WINGS

excerpted from Practicing Peace in Times of War, by Pema Chodron

 

One of my favorite stories about Jarvis Masters [a prison inmate currently sentenced to death row, who took vows as a Buddhist from behind bars] was when he unintentionally helped some other inmates connect with the absolute, vast quality of their own minds.

 

There is a teaching that says that behind all hardening and tightening and rigidity of the heart, there’s always fear. But if you touch fear, behind fear there is a soft spot. And if you touch that soft spot, you find the vast blue sky.

 

You find that which is ineffable, ungraspable, and unbiased, that which can support and awaken us at any time. And somehow Jarvis, in this story of trying to avert harm, conveyed this fundamental openness to the other inmates. One day there was a seagull out on the yard in San Quentin. It had been raining and the seagull was there paddling around in a puddle. One of the inmates picked up something in the yard and was about to throw it at the bird. Jarvis didn’t even think about it—he automatically put out his hand to stop the man. Of course this escalated the man’s aggression and he started yelling. Who the hell did Jarvis think he was? And why did Jarvis care so much about some blankety-blank bird? Everyone started circling around, just waiting for the fight. The other inmate was screaming at Jarvis, “Why’d you do that?” And out of Jarvis’s mouth came the words, “I did that because that bird’s got my wings.” Everyone got it. It simply stopped their minds, softened their hearts, and then there was silence

Resolving Anger

Resolving Anger

We all get angry at times. Anger is an emotion that is necessary. When our individuality is threatened in some way it is human nature to become angry.  Whether it’s a physical or an emotional attack, anger will arise when we are being threatened.  We will either fight back physically or verbally, but sometimes we will withdraw inwardly until we feel it’s safe.

How many times are we confronted by people who control our feelings by judgment, manipulation or criticism?  This may anger us.  But if we learn to look below the surface, we will find the real cause of what angers us.  

When our emotions are overlooked and we feel invalidated, it can weaken our ability to express ourselves; we get frozen in the sting of disregard. Learning to manage our feelings when this happens requires balancing our inner feelings with the external situation. In order to balance our inner feelings, it is important to be honest about our emotional state and what we are feeling about ourselves. For instance, how does it affect you when someone close to you overthrows or negates your feelings by telling you that you shouldn’t feel a certain way or that what you said wasn’t important? Or how do you feel when someone continually points a finger with ‘you’ statements? 

When our feelings are repeatedly disregarded, we can get caught up in blaming or belittling ourselves, negating what we truly want, or just plain swallowing our pride. It’s important to remember that the problem may not be that you have trouble learning to manage your emotions but, rather, that the other person has an unhealthy need to control, manipulate, and gain the upper hand. In that case, it may require that you distance yourself from him or her a bit or learn to navigate around his or her incrimination. It certainly does not feel good to continuously sense that you are being put down, defeated, or emotionally hurt by a parent, spouse, or other loved one. 

So, begin to recognize what you are feeling so you can decide how to proceed. The goal is to feel the feeling and then proceed by gathering your pride.  When anger gets triggered, you can ask yourself, “What feelings about myself are activated?”  Do I feel disregarded, useless, unsafe, negated, rejected, abandoned, or lonely? These are our core issues that will get triggered over and over again.  

Self-inquiry requires that you be aware and honest with yourself. Catch yourself as you are withdrawing.  Commit to inner validation of your emotions without blaming yourself.  And when you do withdraw, pay attention to the part of you that needs safety, nurturing or support.  Remember, even though, as children, we learned to distrust, deny, withhold, or doubt our feelings, feelings are neither right nor wrong, good nor bad--they just are.  Everyone has feelings, and our feelings are worthy of our attention.